Saturday, February 03, 2007

OMG she's going to put a needle where??

My quest to find a cure for my neck problem continued today as I was talked into decided to visit an acupuncturist. Seeing as how western medicine has failed me completely, I figured it couldn't make things any worse. Allison and I arrived for my appointment at 2:30, and at 2:31 were immediately on edge as we were told to take off our shoes upon entering the woman's office. Now, here's my thing - I like wearing shoes. You know, outside my house. It's just the way I was brought up I guess. Plus it keeps my feet warm. Anyway, I believe I should be respectful of other people in their houses, so I do as I'm told, but am already irritated. The woman brings us into a room and starts the interview process about my neck - after about three questions I decided she was about as friendly as a Carcasian plague cat. Gruff, abrasive, and down-right accusatory - she seemed to be irritated with me that the things I had tried to fix my problem hadn't worked. She was fixated on her "pain scale" and kept asking me to rate the pain I was when I was sitting down vs. when I was standing up. Then we got down to business, and the fun really began.

She brings out her needles and I patiently wait for some sort of numbing agent to be applied. I received none. In fact, all I received was a needle. IN MY PINKY. Not on the bottom of my pinky mind you, where there is at least some manner of pain-threshold. No, she put the needle on top of my pinky, right below where the nail part (I have no idea what that's called) starts. MOTHER$@%# THAT HURT. But that was just the beginning. I counted at least 13 needles that went into my fingers and upper arms. She would put in the needle, and just for good measure twist it to make sure it was in there nice and tight. Besides the pinky, my other two favorites would have to be the one on top of my right thumb and the one directly in the palm of my left hand. What was really awesome was that after she was done she actually asked me if my neck felt any better. And was totally serious. I know that my Qi was supposed to be flowing, or releasing, or whateverthehell it's supposed to be doing when the skin in a completely unrelated area of my body is penetrated, but I guess I just wasn't having a good Qi day, because my neck felt quite the same as it did pre-needles-and-intense-pain.

Deciding that her first approach wasn't going to fix my neck, she went to plan B and asked me to take off my shirt and lay down face-first on the bed. At this point I was about to kill staring at Allison waiting for her to end this total charade, but didn't get the green light so off went the shirt. About that time she stopped talking for a second and just sort of looked at me. I mean, I know I'm hot and all, but she seemed to be focused on something. She asked me if I knew that I have a very exaggerated curve of my spine. Oddly enough, I don't spend much time looking at my back, so I said "". So she started going on and on about being convinced that my neck pain was coming from my messed-up back. It was actually a plausible theory, and it dawned on me that during all the visits to the various Doctors and Physical Therapists I'd been to in this last year not a single one of them had ever actually looked at my back. She then proceeded to put needles in my back, which freakin' hurt, but not nearly as much as the one in my pinky. After we were done she told us that she didn't think accupunture was the way to go in my case, and recommended a Chiropractor in Beaufort that she said didn't "crack" his patients. I thought to myself "terrific....another Chiropractor". Anyway, I don't know what I'll do next, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's not going to involve needles, shooting pain and a bitchy-yet-surprisingly-compotent acupuncturist.


Chris said...

I think you went to the wrong, practitioner. When I had acupuncture for my ceaseless headaches and knee pain, I think it actually helped. And I don't believe in all that 'removing the obstructions in the paths of your qi' mumbo jumbo', but I felt better.

And, it only hurt when I got the needles in my eyebrows. But only briefly.

Bill said...

I know you think acupuncture is bs. Dad went for some major back pain and he swears that it fixed him right up.

Though your back is a good thing to check out i always told you that you had too much of a bump on your spine..Remember!?

Well anyway find a chiro that you like. Not all of them crack your neck all crazy style. So goto the person the lady told you to. give it a try. best case you feel better worst case you're out a few bucks. Love ya

Brian said...

You should know enough to go only to acupuncturists that promise a happy ending.