Thursday, October 12, 2006

Adventures at snack time

Picture this: I go into the break room looking for a snack. I navigate my way through ze 10 Germans (dudes from KBA, the company we bought the new press from that are installing said new press) who for some reason like to sit right in front of the vending machines, and start the grueling process of trying to decide what I want. After a minute or so, I finally settle on some white cheddar popcorn. I put my money in, hit the buttons, watch the bag of popcorn fall and then.....crap. The bag gets stuck. This is somewhat a common occurrence with this vending machine, so I do what I normally do - grab both ends of the damn thing, and shake it vigorously. The thing must weigh 300 pounds, so obviously I make quite a bit of noise. Despite my best efforts, I can't seem to shake the bag of popcorn loose. I then become aware of the dead silence in the room - I slowly turn around and discover that every one of them is looking at me. Like, staring at me. And not looking away. I assume that I have violated some heretofore unknown eastern European custom, and bail. Of course, I'm a stubborn bastard when I'm hungry (and, you know, every other time) so I go back to the pod, bum 65 cents off of Matt, and head back to finish what I started. I walk back in the room, and I swear to god they all stopped talking to each other and looked at me again. Presumably to see what this crazy American would do next. My plan: execute the little-known-but-highly-successful Jumbo Deluxe Honey Bun maneuver. The popcorn bag was wedged directly underneath the honey bun - I put in the money, pressed the buttons, and patted myself on the back as the honey bun dislodged the popcorn bag, and both fell into my waiting hands. I took my prizes out of the machine, turned around, and showed the Germans how we Liberals deal with our problems - throw money at them. They were visibly impressed, and I think one of them even clapped. The universal sign of approval - sadly, it was the highlight of my day. Anyway, if anyone wants a Jumbo Deluxe Honey Bun I've got one at my desk. If you don't appreciate it for its honey bun goodness, it also makes an excellent paperweight.

4 comments:

Brian said...

Is there anything we fatass Americans won't do to get our Jumbo Deluxe Honey Buns?

Chris said...

And now you see why they call you "zee angry von" behind your back.

Allison Bonner said...

yeah, Morgan has never gotten along with the German population - he has not accepted David Hasselhoff as his Lord and Savior.

Bill Wheatley said...

bones you want to laugh?

http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3159&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1/

one of my favorite quotes:
"t’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly sh*t and p*ss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. F**k, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. "