Thursday, August 04, 2005

I laugh in the face of pain (and then run away quickly)

So for the last 6 months or so I have been having some neck pain - might have something to do with the fact that I stupidly spent the prior 2 years looking down on my laptop screen at my desk for 8 hours a day. I've since moved it up to eye-level, which has kept my neck from getting any worse, but it still flares up whenever I drive for more than 10 minutes, sit on the couch to watch TV, etc. So on my to-do list for my week off was to try to get it fixed up.

There's two things that can be said about me - I'm lazy, and I don't like Doctors (yes, I know there's a lot more that can be said about me - shut up). So, naturally a visit to the "Bluffton Chiropractic" office that is located 300 feet behind the Packet seemed a natural choice to try to alleviate my neck pain with as little time and effort from me as possible.

So I go in, and the first thing they have me do is watch a video about chiropractic medicine. Ya know, how it's not, for lack of a better phrase, a crock of shit. Anyway, about 5 minutes into that, I had to get the nurse to tell her that looking down at the TV WAS HURTING MY NECK!!! So then they put me on this bed that had some frickin' dough-roller thing that went up and down my back to “loosen me up”. Finally, I see the doctor - she was very nice, but man I wish I could be sure I wasn't getting ripped off. So she puts some instruments on my back feed some readings into a computer, then she takes an x-ray - she says when I come back tomorrow (!) we'll go over the x-ray. So I think I'm done - OH NO! I still have to have my “adjustment”. She lays me down on one of those beds that they use, and starts pushing, prodding and twisting my body in a hundred different directions. Finally we come to the neck - the thing I went there for. She takes my head in her hands, leans over - the last thought I had was “jeez, her breasts are RIGHT in my face - I wonder if she does that on purpose to distract me from AAAARRRGGGHHHH SSSSHHHHHHHIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!” The pain lasted an instant, but I nearly passed out. So anyway, I'm finally done with my adjustment, and next thing I know I'm scheduling another appointment tomorrow. Oh, and naturally, my insurance does NOT cover visits to the Chiropractor - damn PPO2 whateverthehell insurance plan I have. When I first went in there, I remembered back to when I was first hired (well, second hired) and Jolie telling me that that plan was basically just so that you wouldn't go bankrupt if you went into a coma. Oh well, at least Blue Cross won't get any of my deductible.

So now as I blog this wonderful event today I'm laying flat on my back because that's the only position I can stand to be in without any pain. Don't these people still have to adhere to the hippocratic oath? Aren't they "doctors"? How come I went in for neck pain, which I not only still have, but came out with back pain as well? AND was charged $59 for my "adjustment" which didn't do anything but "adjust" the amount of pain I was in to a higher level. My appointment to look at my x-ray is tomorrow at 3:30 - I expect to be told that my spine is shaped like a telephone pole when it should be shaped like a banana, and that I'll need more "adjustments" to fix it - at $39 dollars a pop of course. Maybe I'll just forget about the chiropractor and take some friggin' Tylenol for my neck. Actually, maybe I'll just take some Tylenol right the hell now. Ow.

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